This is me now - a new me which consists of a lot of the old me. A lot has happened in the last few months (it has felt like many more). I'm not going to get into why new me has happened, but it did; I couldn't be more excited to see what's going to come of it.
I wrote an email to an "old friend" recently which cleared my conscious yet also made it all that much more blury. I get that that doesn't make sense, but it does to me. Moral of the story is that I'm on a journey for myself and only myself. I have always been comfortable in life. Comfortable sounds like a good thing, and it is most likely satisfying, but it also comes about because it's what we know and are used to. How many people are comfortable yet have experienced the other side to determine what actually makes them happy instead of comfortable? Maybe comfortable = happy? That's my spot. As I just mentioned, I've always been comfortable with life and myself, but I'm trying to seek the other side and find what *really* makes me happy and who I actually am. Basically, I want to be uncomfortable and experience the opposite journey to make me realize what actually matters on the other side.
I have spent 29 (soon to be 30..!!!) years of my life worrying about settling. This is probably the prime reason I'm in the spot I am in now - oh well. How often do we settle for what we think is best or what is expected of us? What do we really know what makes us feel the best we can possibly feel? Am I on an endless chase for the 'end of the rainbow', as they say -- who the fuck is (are?) they anyway? Is there even an end, and when do we decide what is close enough to that end? These are all questions there will never be an answer to yet I'm trying to come as close as I can. I'm trying to be uncomfortable, and I currently am. I guess what I am saying is that I am on a mission to find out what truly matters to me, what truly makes me happy, what challenges me, what I like, what I don't like, and everything else in between.
To that, there is no end game. That's the problem - is it really a problem? When do we come to a point where we have discovered everything we can and have figured out everything about ourselves to make a decision when to be happy with ourselves and with someone else that also makes us feel that way? Everyone says "you know it when you feel it"...maybe I've never had that. Maybe I have had that yet I just keep being curious or being afraid of settling. Back to the goal of this journey? There is no goal. So good luck to you, and to me, I suppose. Back to square one.
I've gone no where with this post...but it's about me and not you, right? This vent is over. I hope to have many more vents to come.